Trigger Warning: Discusses graphic atrocities of war. Yeah, I know that’s weird for a birthday post.
This year’s birthday is probably going to suck, but I’ve never liked them much anyway. This coming Monday is my birthday, the last day of July. 731 . . . You know, like the Unit?
No, seriously. More people should know about that. It’s just fucking weird how it’s erased from history. The atrocities committed made a lot of Nazi experimentation look like child’s play. American soldiers were vivisected by the Japanese, cut open like fetal pigs while still alive . . .
Well, if my memory serves me right, this event was just preparation for the horrors of the actual unit. I believe this happened in Japan.
But what’s it matter if they were American? Those are just the ones that hit close to home. We don’t even know how many Chinese people died that way, some screaming in unimaginable pain, and others numb with shock . . .
Anyways, enough about that. This birthday is going to be really lame for a multitude of reasons.
I’m having surgery just a week after my birthday. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, because it feels in a lot of ways that there’s a gun to my head and I don’t have a choice. I hate the “now or never” feeling of urgency. Right now I have good insurance, and I should be thankful I can have the potentially-dangerous tissue removed forever.
I guess I’m just afraid of feeling mutilated or ugly. Not to mention, the idea of going under like that is creepy. I don’t think I’ve ever had general anesthesia before (you never know) and my brain is weird enough when I’m awake.
To make it even more annoying, I’m not supposed to smoke cigarettes for 2 weeks before. I’m doing my best, but it sucks when someone is like “Hey, you’ve got this really stressful thing coming up. Say goodbye to your stress relief forever!”
I feel excited at the idea of having it all done and over with. I think most people going in for major surgery are nervous as hell, so I’m doing alright. At least for now. But it’s so crazy to think it’s only 2 weeks away.
There was a time where I felt like I really wanted it, but as the day approaches, it feels less and less like it’s actually my choice. I just hope it doesn’t end up making me feel worse instead of better. It’ll be nice to not have to worry about breast cancer anymore, but I really don’t want to feel like a freak or ugly forever . . .
Whatever. I’ll get a black dragon tattoo.
Bad Thing 2. Speaking of cancer, my mom is still in the thick of it. My dad seems to have made a weirdly good recovery, but she’s just . . . not having an easy time. The whole whirlwind of both my parents getting sick at the same time was extremely hard to process. You just can’t really enjoy a holiday with someone in that condition. I feel depressed when I think about her being sick. I’m glad I can get decent care and never have to deal with that, because it seems awful.
Bad Thing 3. Honestly, getting older just sucks. It’s so weird to think I’m going to be 32. I still feel like I’m 16. Literally half that age . . . I’ve lived an entire lifetime between those days and now, but sometimes they still feel more real than the present. That’s so crazy to think about.
Most people my age already know what they want to do with their lives, but I still feel like a loser most of the time. I don’t really know why, because I’ve written books, albums, and everything in between. But it seems like most people my age already have a family, and a solid life plan, and for me it’s always just, “Who cares about that right now” or “Maybe someday.”
Someday, tomorrow will never come . . .
Getting bold and mixing things up a bit with a cover this time . . .
Anyways, I stayed up all night again and I’m kind of tired. But I have a lot of alright things happening too, so I’m just going to try to embrace those. I have a brother who cares about me and helps me with everything. Parents who are kind of weird and messed up, but obviously care about me a whole lot too. I get to drive around and listen to music, and do whatever the hell I want all night long, just like I dreamed about when I was a kid . . . I got to reconnect with old friends I never thought I’d see again. And soon I get to have this surgery, which is inaccessible to a lot of people.
Oh, and I finally broke out of my writer’s block, and am actually writing stories semi-regularly again. I made some good progress on one of them earlier. Well, this one is actually Zyklon’s . . . It’s about his memories of space. He tends to write a lot more quickly than me, but he’s been in a weird mood the past day or so, so he hasn’t gotten much done.
But the next one should be up in a day or so, for real this time. I just have to help my mom with an appointment, and solve world hunger, and do all kinds of other shit I don’t really have much energy for . . .
I guess it’s time to enjoy the last couple days of being 31. I guess I’ll start by getting some sleep.