It’s so surreal to see that name come up on the screen again and again. I’ve already been there once to meet the doctor, at the end of last month. It all seems like a dream now, but it won’t be long before I go back for the pre-surgery visit.
There was a time when I never thought I’d see New York City again. My anxiety was so bad I had a hard time driving on highways. I never thought I’d be able to make it on the FDR parkway, much less in the city itself.
To quote my favorite game of all time and space, “It’s like a dream . . .”
I wonder if it will be everything I dreamed it would be and more. I wonder if it will put some of this endless, gnawing unease to rest.
Watching my mother suffer is painful, and at times I worry she’ll lose grip. But one of the kindest things she ever did for me was enable me to get this surgery I’ve wanted for so many years.
So to her, and to the doctor who read my letter and felt sorry for me, and for the other doctor who actually understood it all from the second he saw me: Thanks.
This year, I’ve faced more fears than I ever thought I’d know in several lifetimes. So why not take the plunge? Even though at times it feels like I have nothing left to lose, and life has grown stranger than I could ever imagine, I know I’m making the right decision either way.
I aways wanted the surgery, for as long as I can remember. I was just too afraid to ever consider it a serious option. Now, I realize how lucky I am to have this chance offered to me, when so many others fight a lifetime for it and lose.
A lifetime is hard to define. It can be ten decades or fifteen years. And sometimes, it feels like an hour.
All I know is I’m looking forward to starting mine all over again.
